I've started harming myself

heyya, well ivalways been a happy person, but latley, iv been angry, coz my mum (who has Arthritis) is getting low in herself coz shes in so much pain and 4 that she also finds it hard to go 2 the home and see my grandma (who has dementia) alsoi keep getting angry coz mums in so much pain & i cant do anything 2 take it away from her, so as a result iv just started 2 hurt myself, by doing this i kinda think at least i can know some of the pain shes goin through, but the truth is i dont, i dot want counciling or any thing and mum dont no about it, i just want sum tips on when i feel myself going 2 do it, 2 make my self stop and think, and i DO want 2 stop before is turns into

something nasty!!!

Beth

(some details removed by Youngcarers.net team)

EWAN SAYS

Hi Beth,

Sorry to hear about your mum. It sounds as though things are pretty difficult for her at the moment - and for you! It can often feel overwhelmingly upsetting when someone we care about is in pain; you're certainly not alone in feeling the way you do. But, oddly enough, it can often help a lot to talk to the person who's going through it about how you're feeling - you might well find that she's feeling more optimistic than you are!

It's worth remembering, too, that arthritis is different for different people - and there are all sorts of different ways of managing the discomfort of it. Medicines, exercises, changes in lifestyle, different kinds of therapy... all sorts! So, if whatever your mum is doing isn't working for her at the moment, it might be an idea for her to talk to her doctor or specialist and see if there's maybe something else to try. There's lots more information about all this (and a free helpline you can ring) on the Arthritis Care website - www.arthritiscare.org.uk .

And you asked about ways to stop self-harming before it gets more serious. Well, one of the most useful things is to do what you're already doing: think about the times when you've done it (or wanted to) and work out how you're feeling at the time. Think about what it is that makes you feel like doing this stuff, and what you get out of it. Then you'll be able to find things that can work instead. So, if it's about trying to understand what your mum's going through, try planning some regular time to talk to her about it all. If it's about expressing how you feel, try writing it all down or ringing a friend. Or if it's about trying to feel something yourself, try holding an ice cube, flicking a rubber band, blowing up a balloon, or anything else that springs to mind!

Hope that's helpful, Beth - I'm sure you'll be fine!

Why do I end up getting blamed for trouble?

hi, theres these girls that realy wind me up and i got mad and was swinnging my arms around and acidentally slapped one, i got in trouble and that is no prob now. but i am sooo stressed again because the school rang mum and said i was not entirley to blame it was this girl to! my mum told her mum and her mum was really angry at me.

This was in the car cos they saw mum and wanted another moan and what got to me real bad is that the girl has done stuff wrong and all the way through that she said nothing and never admitted it and i told her at school and she had a go at me! i had the guts to tell my mum that i had a temper tantrum and i knew that it was wrong but i still did tell her.(the tantrum was not entirley all me)

thanx from imogen!

SAM SAYS

Hi Imogen,

Well no wonder you're sounding cross, it does seem very unfair that you're getting all the blame when you were both involved in this incident.

It can be really difficult to own up when you've done something wrong and I think you were very brave to do that and face your mum about it! How annoying though, that this other girl seems to have got away with it entirely..

One thing to remember though is that your mum has supported you with this by talking to the other mum ( even if that other mum then got cross! ) so it sounds as though she realises that you were both to blame in some way and that's pretty important. After all, it's better that your mum sticks by you and supports you than anything else really!

I know it's hard when you can see that someone else is "getting away with it" but it doesn't really make any difference to you what happens with her does it? After all, you can hold your head up high knowing that you were able to be honest about what went on. Next time anything like this happens and there's "trouble" at school or home then if you have got a reputation for being honest that is always going to help you in the future.

This other girl's behaviour will catch up with her in the end, it generally does, so the best thing you can do is steer clear of her!

Good luck,

Sam

Doing everything around the house is really getting on top of me..

hi I'm getting to the point where i can not cope. I care for my mum who has slipped disks in her back, whiplash injuries to both neck and back and a problem with her leg where it often spazzes uncontrolably. my dad is also bad too, he was hit by a car a few years back and his shoulders and legs are knakered, and because of this neither of them do anything around the house. i do all the washing, cleaning and mine,mums,dads and 2 sisters ironing i also have to cook for them nd stuff. because i do everything mum buys me nice things, my gran says this is blackmail.

im only 16!! I suffer from depression after years of bullying which ended when they tried to push me under a car, and im not socialable and my mum blames me!!

im in year 11 and its a really important year but no one seems to care that im stressed. today i overdosed on my "happy" medicine to make me feel happy but all i can think about is just ending it all i think it would be soo much easier !!! so any help would be very much appreciated.

Jasmine

SAM SAYS

Hi Jasmine,

Well it's no wonder that you're feeling as though things are getting on top of you, you seem to be doing an awful lot there! You've had years of school being a difficult place for you, you have to do a lot to help out at home and now it's an important year at school too - well I'd be exhausted too!

It sounds as though you have been doing a great job of helping around the house and keeping things going at home and I'm sure that your mum, dad and sisters appreciate that even if they don't show it very often. Sometimes parents find it hard to accept that their chilren are doing so many of "their" jobs at home and this can sometimes mean they don't know how to show that they really do appreciate it.

You're right though, this is a really important time for you, both in terms of your school work but also in terms of how all this extra responsibility is making you feel about life in general. It sounds as though maybe you are quite close to your gran - do you think you could have a chat with her about this?

Sometimes it can really help if you have someone else you can talk things over with and who understands your situation. Also she might be able to help you have a chat with your mum and dad about how things are feeling for you.

Given all the health problems your mum and dad have they might also be entitled to some extra help from outside of the family such as care workers - it'd be a really good idea to talk to them about your workload and how you are struggling to keep on top of things and see if they'd consider talking to someone such as their doctor about it all.

I understand that when everything is getting on top of you that "ending it all" can seem like a way out but it also sounds to me that you care very much about your family and that you also want to do well at school and achieve things. The best thing I can suggest is to find friends or adults you trust who you can talk to when things feel bad and who can help you get through those times and I promise you things won't always feel this bad!

Good luck Jasmine

Sam

Telling my parents about my boyfriend is so tricky!

hi, im 16, and i have a boyfriend whos 20. ive known him for nearly 3 years! but i cant bring myself to tell my parents. i feel embarrased about things like that. all my friends tell their parents when they have a boyfriend, but whenever i have one, i feel like i cant tell my mum. i know that she wont mind me having a boyfriend! but im not sure what she will say about him being 20.

what should i do?

Katie x

SAM SAYS

Hi Katie,

Ah, telling your parents about boyfriends can seem really hard can't it? You know they'd like to know, you know they'll probably be fine about it and they probably know anyway but it can still seem impossible to get the words out!

Firstly it's perfectly normal to feel a bit awkward about this stuff - as a young person becoming independant there are going to be times when you keep stuff private or choose not to tell your parents everything that you're doing and that's all part of getting older. However it's also nice to have an honest relationship with them and to involve them in the things in your life that are important to you and it sounds as though this relationship you're in is one of those things?

It's not as though you've only known him five minutes and he's 20 yrs older than you - yes, there's a bit of an age gap but it's not too huge either and you have known him for quite some time. I'm wondering though, if you've known him for quite a while is he someone your mum is already aware of? If so then it's not too hard to start mentioning him a bit more frequently or allow him to come and pick you up from the house when you go out ... you don't have to announce that you have a boyfriend, just let it be seen that he's someone you spend time with and you'll probably find your parents will get curious and ask you eventually!

If you talk about him in a positive way and let them see that he is a responsible caring person then that will help them with any worries they might have about the relationship. Bringing him round to the house from time to time will also enable them to get to know him gradually and build a relationship with him.

The main thing is not to build it up and worry too much - as you say everyone goes through this and although it can feel embarressing at the time it is perfectly normal to have relationships at your age!

Good luck with it all,

Sam

I'm worried about my sister

my suster is self harming and i try and tell my social worker and she dont listen to me and it is makeing me feel very upset and now i am starting to not go to school now cause i am so scared my sister is going to kill herself

wbsn

from sarah xoxoxo

EWAN SAYS

Hi Sarah,

Well, firstly, it sounds as though you're a really caring sister! I'm sure your sister really appreciates that. But the problem is, it means you've got a load of worries too. You're quite right to be asking for some support about this - you shouldn't have to be dealing with it on your own.

But I don't want you to get too worried about your sister. All sorts of people self-harm (although it's hard to know exactly how many people do it, because it's often quite hidden), and they do it for all sorts of reasons - but the thing they have in common is that it's usually a way of coping with things. That's why it's not the same as suicide: it's a way of trying to make life bearable, not a way of trying to escape from it.

Still, though, it is important that they try to find other ways of coping with stuff. Actually, one thing that can make the most difference is just having someone around who is supportive and will listen to how they're feeling. So, it sounds as though you're probably already doing the best you can to help your sister. Other than that, just make sure that somebody knows about it (if your social worker's not too helpful, try a teacher, a doctor or even a parent!). It's great that you can be there for your sister, but it's not your responsibility to deal with all of the stress of it!

Take care, Sarah,

Ewan.

My mum's bipolar disorder is driving me crazy!

my mum has a condition called bbipolar. I can't cope with her rapid mood swings anymore, and i really don't know what to do. We've talked about it but it doesn't seem to have helped!! What can i do to keep my sanity?

Rachel

EWAN SAYS

Hi Rachel,

As you're finding out, it can sometimes be difficult living with someone with bipolar disorder (which is also sometimes called 'manic depression'). People can change really quite quickly - for example, you might find them suddenly seeming extremely depressed, or suddenly seeming to see, hear or say things that don't make any sense. It can be quite bewildering - I'm not surprised you're finding it hard to cope with!

You said that talking to your mum doesn't seem to have helped. Well, the first thing to remember is that there's usually not much you can do if it's a difficult time for her. The best plan is generally just to keep calm and wait for it to pass.

But there are plenty of ways to make it easier for you to cope with. For one thing, people in your situation often find that learning and understanding more about it can make a big difference. So, I'd definitely recommend you have a look at something like the Mind website - have a look at http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/Booklets/Understanding/ and click on "Understanding bipolar disorder". You might find it interesting! And another thing that can make a huge difference is having somebody around who you can talk to about how things are at the moment. Is there a friend, relative, teacher, youth worker, or someone else who you think you could confide in? Or maybe you could have a look for a young carers' project nearby - there are lots of people in the country in your situation, so it might be reassuring to meet some of them and get some tips! If you'd like us to help track one down for you, just email us on youngcarers@carers.org and we'll see what we can find.

Take care, Rachel.

Ewan.

I can't help worrying about my Dad

My dads drinking a lot and doesn't help my mum and brother alot and sometimes he herts me mentally and rarly phisically but i worry about him even though he hates me!

Bethany

SAM SAYS

Hi Bethany,

We're glad you got in touch with us as you're living in what sounds like a pretty difficult situation at the moment. Not only have you got a dad who's drinking too much and hurting you at times but it also seems like you feel responsible for your mum and brother and even though you don't like what your dad does you can't help worrying about him. Phew, that's a lot of worrying you're doing there, no wonder you are asking for help!

One thing I can say for sure is that it is wrong for your dad to be hurting you, whether that's emotionally or physically as no-one deserves to have that done to them. Unfortunately drinking a lot can have various different effects on someone and that can include being unable to control moods and behaving in unpredictable and scary ways.

It sounds as though you care a lot about your mum and brother? Have you tried to have a talk with them about what's going on with your dad and how it makes you feel? You may find that they find it just as hard and that between you you can work out some ways of coping together and protecting each other from your dad when he's bad...

It's also really important that you yourself are safe - is there anyone you feel you could talk to about what's happening? It can really help to have someone to confide in who understands a bit about what's going on at home for you.. perhaps a trusted friend, teacher or someone else at school or college? Worrying about someone constantly can be pretty exhausting and it'd be good if you had someone you could share your worries with - have a think about it anyway!

I hope things get better soon Bethany,

Sam

My mum leaves us at home alone

my mum leaves me and my brother and sister home on our own so she can go sleep at her boyfriends house, i hate being home without an adult and i cant tell her how i feel she called social services on me before saying i was a difficult child and know i have councilng, but i just cant say to anyone how i feel ! worst thing is im confused about how i feel too.

kayleigh

EWAN SAYS

Hi Kayleigh,

It does sound like quite an unfair situation to you. You haven't said how old you or your brother or sister are, but even if you're all old enough to manage, it still feels worrying not to have an adult at home, doesn't it? And I'm sorry to hear you've been called "difficult" - that's not a nice label to have, is it? - but if it was true, it's not a good reason for your mum to leave you all alone. What I'm saying, really, is that this situation isn't your fault!

It's good to hear that you've been talking to a counsellor though, and I hope you're finding it helpful. But this does sound like the kind of situation where a really useful thing might be to talk to another adult - someone who knows you and your mum, maybe - and see what they think of the situation and whether they can help. It's really important that you're not all just left to fend for yourselves just because your mum's got a boyfriend!

But you said your mum "called Social Services on you". Well, it's important to remember that Social Services aren't people who you can report a child to for being difficult. Their job is to support families and try to work out what help is needed so that everybody stays safe. So, even if your mum meant it as a punishment, that's not what it would be. In fact, if you've still got their contact details, it might even be worth you having a think about contacting them yourself. If you explain the situation at the moment, you may find that they're the best people to help.

Take care, Kayleigh,

Ewan.