All the family stress is affecting my relationship with Mum

hi im 13 yrs old and i care for my twin sister who has special needs, i also have a new baby brother only 5 months old. with all the stress from the family i find it hard to cope iv started having panic attacks and im getting help for them but im now finding it hard to get on with my mum im also argueing with her ALOT and every convosation turns into argument and get me realy angry which makes me feel depressed i just want to know how i can help to get on with her again ?? Sarah

SAM SAYS

Hi Sarah,

Thanks for taking the time to get in touch, it sounds like you have a very busy life at home! No wonder you're feeling rather under pressure - you have a new baby in the house ( and they are really hard work! ) and you're caring for your twin sister, it's understandable that you're feeling pretty frazzled!

It's perfectly normal to have arguments with your mum and times when you just can't get on, especially when there's a baby to look after too who needs a lot of care and attention.

Well done for getting help for your panic attacks, I know they can be pretty scary things to have and it's great to hear that you're getting some help to sort them out.

You said you're finding it really hard to get on with your mum without it turning into an argument? Well, the first thing I want to suggest is to talk to your mum about the fact that you're arguing! It sounds a bit odd but it'll help if you can sit down with her, perhaps when your brother's asleep and things are quiet, and let her know how much you love her and that the constant arguing is upsetting you - I'm sure she'll feel the same way. A good heart to heart might help you both to find out from the other one why you are arguing and think about different ways of communicating. Another thing for you to think about is what's happening in a conversation when it starts to turn into an argument - is one of you interrupting the other one or not listening? Is one of you getting snappy or upset instead of listening calmly? Try to work out what's going wrong in the way you talk to each other and then you know what you need to improve on!

Good luck with it, remember that you're not alone, everyone falls out with their parents when they're growing up but it's never too late to get it sorted out!

Sam

I don't know whether my boyfriend's telling me the truth

I've bein with my boyfriend for over a year now and he told me i was the first person he had sex with. But a girl i know apperently had sex with him before we even thought about getting together. But my lover has said that he promises he hasn't. My lover told me he would have had sex with her if he had a condom but he didn't so he turned her down. Thats why apperntly shes lieing about sleeping with him becuase she got turned down. I really love him but if he has lied i don't no wether to stay with him or not. Please help. Thankyou.

Charlotte

EWAN SAYS

Hi Charlotte,

Well, this sounds like a pretty complicated situation! One of the tricky things about relationships (any kind of relationship - boyfriend, friend, parent, it doesn't matter really) is that there always needs to be some kind of trust there. Sometimes you can't know the answer for certain, so you just have to decide where to put your trust.

People do sometimes lie about their sexual history, for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes people want to make it seem as though they're more experienced than they are, and sometimes it's the other way round and they want to pretend they haven't had as many partners as they have. That might be because they're embarrassed, or perhaps it's because they think it would embarrass their current partner, or perhaps they're trying to make their current partner feel like the first, "special" time. Then again, sometimes other people do pretend to have slept with people they haven't, perhaps because they've been offended by the person and want to cause trouble, or perhaps for any number of reasons.

What I'm trying to say is, in a situation like yours, there's all sorts of things that *might* have happened, for all sorts of reasons - but there isn't really any evidence either way so you can perhaps never be certain whether you know the truth. So at times like these, all you can really do is decide what's most important to you: Is it important to be 100% certain about the truth of this? How much does his sexual history matter to you? If it turned out that he was lying to you, would that be something you could get over? If you suspected him of lying when he wasn't, would that be something he could get over? How important to you is it that you both trust each other completely? The only thing you can really do is to think about all these things, and make a decision. If you think carefully about it all, and talk to your boyfriend about it too, I think you'll come to the right decision in the end.

Good luck!

Ewan.

I don't know how to make friends

i feel like all my friends hate me. im finishing my GCSE's now, but i have no proper friends, i dont hang round with anybody, and i feel really alone. i dont know what to do.

Josie

SAM SAYS

Hi Josie,

What a rotten way to be feeling! Sometimes it's easy to look around and think that everyone is more popular than us, having more fun than us and is happier than us but the reality is that most of us feel like you at some time in our lives.

Firstly remember that exam time is pretty stressful all round and that people often behave in ways that aren't usual for them - you say you think all your friends hate you which indicates you do have SOME friends - could it be that they're just preoccupied with exams and other stuff at the moment? Obviously you wrote to us a while ago now so have things got better since? Sometimes we can feel as though everything is going wrong for us but given a bit of time things often get better again..

Finishing your GCSE's is quite a milestone and perhaps you're now at college or studying different subjects in which case you may find that the problems you were having are in the past now. Starting a new course or college, or even moving into sixth form can really change things around - you might not be constantly with the same group of people and may find that you start to make friends with people you barely knew before.

Another good idea is to think about things you enjoy doing and spend more time doing that eg. a sport or hobby. That way you're more likely to come into contact with people interested in similar things to you and you may find you make some completely new friendships. The bonus of this is that doing things you enjoy will make you feel happier which makes you more attractive as a friend to other people - it's a win / win situation!

Hope things have improved since you wrote,

Sam

I'm getting stressed from looking after everyone

well im 14 and i have 2 look after my seveirly disabled mum and 3 other brothers and sisters and i also have some bad situations at school. i am becoming very stressed and taking it out on my parents and my very close friends what should i do 2 calm down ? thank you

lauren

EWAN SAYS

Hi Lauren,

Well, it does sound as though you've got a lot going on there! I'm sorry to hear about your mum being so severely disabled - that sounds pretty tough for her and for you too. And added to that, you've got three brothers and sisters to take care of, and stuff going on at school... wow, that does sound like a lot. I'm not surprised you're feeling stressed - anybody would! So, don't feel too bad about it - it sounds as though you're reacting the same way anybody would in your situation.

But it is important to take care of yourself, and not just put up with things being difficult. Firstly, is there anybody else at home, or living nearby, who could do a bit of the helping out? Remember that if you've been making such an effort to do it all so well, it might be that people there (your mum and others) haven't quite realised what a strain it's becoming. So, have a sit down with your mum or with someone else who's involved in your family, and explain that you're happy to help out, but you do need a bit of time to yourself sometimes. In fact, it might be an idea to explain a bit about this to your friends as well? Friends can often be surprisingly good at understanding when you're under a lot of stress - why not give them a try?

There's a few other places you could try for some help too. Firstly I'd definitely recommend having a look at the leaflets made by Young Minds - they're full of all sorts of tips for relaxing and staying calm. If you go to their website at http://tinyurl.com/youngminds , you can click on each leaflet to read a free online version. And finally, I'd definitely recommend getting in touch with a young carers' project near you - they're just the sort of people to help in this kind of situation!

Take care, Lauren.

Ewan.

I'm fed up with our "friend" treating us badly

This girl is part of my friendship group at school, but not many of us at the moment actually like her because she's really horrid towards us sometimes. She has always been 'The leader' of our group but to be honest I am quite fed up with her. Everyone else realises too, but I'm the only on that seems to want to do anything about it, all the others are bitching about her to me but just don't have the guts to stand up for themselves and I am scared that if I stand up to her no one else will back me up.

What should I do?

Jo

SAM SAYS

Hi Jo,

Oh, that is a difficult one! I can see it's really hard feeling as though you're the only one brave enough to stick your neck on the line and stand up to this girl, especially when you know full well that everyone else feels the same way as you. You sound like a really caring person who doesn't like seeing other people get treated badly and this definitely needs sorting out.

Sometimes people who are very confident of themselves can get very used to doing whatever they like and treating people however they like and need reminding that they are no better than the rest of us! I wonder if there's a more subtle way of dealing with it than getting into a full on confrontation with her though? I'm presuming you've already tried talking to her on a 1-1 basis? If not, that might be worth a try first - when you can catch her on her own you could try to talk to her about a recent example of when she's done or said something hurtful to one of you and see how she takes it. After all, it may be just that she's got too big for her boots and hasn't realised the effect she's having on you all!

If that doesn't work then try simply spending less time with her and more with your other friends in the group. I know it's very tempting to just do everything as a big group but there's nothing to stop you inviting just one or two people to your house ( just say your mum won't let you have any more over! ) or meeting up with just one person to go shopping with - that way you can still spend time with your friends, but not with the person you don't want to spend time with.

The thrid option, of course, is to stand up to her. It doesn't have to be done in an argumentative way - when she says or does something mean a simple challenge such as "that really hurt my feelings" or "**** was upset by that" said in a calm voice with a smile on your face can be just as powerful ( if not more than ) a big shouting match. Standing up to someone does not mean you have to confront them and fall out forever, hopefully it shows that you say what you mean and won't put up with being treated badly. If she doesn't sort herself out after this then you probably need to walk away from her as your friend and hope that the other girls have the strength to do the same!

Good luck Jo,

Sam

I'm really stressed, but I don't want to worry my mum

my mum is a sever asthmatic and has chronic fatigue. I suffer from depression and a borderline Eating disorder...along with other things! I have a lot of stress from college at the moment and things are going pear shaped!! My mum nearly ended up in hospital the other week and it scared me. I don't feel like i can talk to her about all my problems because stress and worry make her illness worse so i carry the mountain of problems on my own shoulders and its getting all a bit too much at the moment and i don't know what to do! help?

Katie

SAM SAYS

Hi Katie,

Wow, that is a fair amount of worrying you're doing there - worrying about college, worrying about your mum and then worrying about your mum worrying about you! It's no wonder you're feeling under pressure with it all, I'm glad you've got in contact with us for a bit of support.

So you said that your mum nearly ended up in hospital a while back and it really scared you - did you get a chance to talk to her about it at all? I know it can feel really difficult to talk to the person you are worrying about about the fact that you're worrying about them but it really would make it feel much easier if you did! One thing I can tell you is that parents can usually tell if their children are keeping something from them and they'd far prefer to know what it is - no matter how difficult. I know you say that stress and worry makes your mum's illness worse but having concerns out in the open and shared between you are going to be much easier on both of you. Perhaps, before talking to your mum, have a think about exactly what it is that's worrying you or scared you when she was very ill - was it about practical things such as who was going to take care of you and the house, was it about her illness and how it would be treated or was it about how you felt about her illness? If you can sort these out in your head a bit then you can start to look for some answers to these - think about who could help you with your worries. It might be that you have another family member who you could talk to about the practical things that would come with your mum being in hospital, or a college tutor? You could ask your mum to get her doctor or nurse to explain to you about how they're treating her illness so that you have a bit more information about it and know what to do if it gets bad.

Does college know about the situation with your mum? If they don't then it's really worth talking to them - there is often a lot they can do to help such as extending deadlines or providing extra support if you have to miss classes.

I hope that's given you a few things to think about anyway Katie.

Sam

I get bullied because I'm a young carer

i feel really angry because all the time im getting bullied because i care for someone at home. im an only child and i keep getting quite stressed what can i do.

amber

EWAN SAYS

Hi Amber,

Well, I'm not surprised you're getting quite stressed - being bullied is an upsetting experience for anybody to go through. And it's very unkind of people to be picking on you because you care for someone... although, sadly, quite a lot of other young carers say that the same thing happens to them. You're certainly not alone - but that doesn't make it ok.

One thing that's sometimes helpful to remember is that a bully will generally find any excuse at all to pick on you if they want to. It might be being a young carer; it might be being too tall, or too short, or wearing a particular kind of shoes, or having a certain hair colour... it really doesn't make any difference. The point is that it's not your fault, and it's no reflection on you at all. Try and remember there's nothing about you that makes you deserve this. Far from it! So one option that often works is just to completely ignore them - if they don't get a reaction from you, they'll soon move on to something else.

But I know that can be a hard thing to do. So, this may sound like something that all adults say, but

it really is important to make sure you tell somebody about what's going on. Maybe a teacher or another member of school staff, or maybe a parent, someone else in your family, a young carer worker - anybody who you trust. They can help to make sure your school knows what's going on (because your school has a duty to make sure you're not bullied). And you'll also feel a lot better having people around who know what's going on.

Hope that helps a bit, Amber. Good luck!

Ewan.

People tease me about my weight

Just because i am overweight people tese me what should i do

Emz

SAM SAYS

Hi Emz,

How cruel of people to tease you about your weight, I'm really sorry that's happening to you at the moment.

Firstly I want to say to you that although this feels like an immensely personal attack it really isn't personal at all. People who bully and tease do it for all sorts of reasons, to all sorts of people - whether it's about them being overweight, too clever, wearing glasses or having a disabled sibling - it's not about the reason, it's about the reaction it gets them.

Bullies ( and that's what these people are ) are looking for a reaction from someone - it doesn't really matter what that reaction is, whether it's anger or tears, any reaction will do! Often this is because the bully themself feels insecure about something and it makes them feel better to put someone else down. So, bearing that in mind the best thing you can do is to give them no reaction at all, just ignore it and show them that what they say has no impact on you whatsoever.

Doing this has two benefits - the main one being that it will annoy the life out of them and eventually they'll get bored of trying to upset you. The second benefit is that if you keep telling yourself that they don't matter and you don't care what they say you will start believing it yourself - this is because your brain is like a sponge - it absorbs the messages you give it. Sounds a bit mad but it works I promise you! Every time anyone puts you down tell yourself ( silently! ) "I am fine the way I am and they don't matter" and after a while you'll find this really is what you will believe about it.

Finally, these people have no right to say whether or not you're overweight - they're not doctors! If you are worried about your weight then have a chat to your doctor and they'll let you know if it's about right for your age / height etc and if it's not they'll help you to get it sorted out.

Hope that helps

Sam