I reallllyyy have had enough :(

I can'ttt cope with caring anymore, and i know that sounds selfish but i amm fed up.

Its like ive lost my little sister to a world of anger, swearing and tantrums at the moment, i know we all havee pmt, well us women!, but hers is jst ridiculous nd is going on forever, and even in between wen its not that shes so rude all the time.

Shes picked so much up at school, and i know shes a teenager but shes so strong and so loud.

Im doing loads of extra hours at wrk as well, most days ive been going from college to work, not gettin in til 7, and on my days/afternoons off going to work.

I hate myself so much atm with everything, its a phyiscal effort to get to college everyday, but i know its a break. But then im not doing my work wen im there, meaning i ahve more to do at home.

I jst feel like i can't cope anymore withe evrything, work, recovery, caring and college. And to top everything off my mum does nothing but moan about hw its so hard to shop for food now cz i dont like anything and i always moan and i dont appreciate her effort and i treat her like rubbish and i need to start doing more. I CAN NOT do anymore, im not a flipping octopus.

My college tutor was saying to me last week i also look really tensed up and have really closed body language and i look withdrawn frm stuff and like everythings a physical strain. The only thing that is actaully making me smile is knowing in 4 weeks i cn learn to drive.

Im just hiding frm how i feel about stuff, about myself, about college, life, evberything. And going to work takes my mind off it but i knw its nt helping, nd thats one of the first times ive actually realised putting all my energy into going to work and doing extra isnt solving nythin, its running away, i jst dnt feel lke i can be bothered or hve the ernegy to worry about how i feel.

My sister deserves someone better than me as her carer, i shud be taking her out more, doing more with her, keeping her occupied more cz when i dnt she jst sits in her room, bt i jst cnt. I feel awful for writing this bt i jst felt i had to get everything out.

I jst feel like i wana make a fresh start somewhere new but i can't and ive decided im deffo nt going uni wen i finished ths course which means staying lioving at homee even loonger. I just want someone else to care for her, i want my mum to take responsibility, and moreso my dad, e was moaning about hw she dusnt stop tlking and is reli mardy etc and i was like u can shut up moaning cuz i have ths everyday of nearly every week u have her for 2 days once every 2 weeks, sometimes not even every 2 wks. He sais she needs to get out more, like wen dus he think i have the time to take her out, and where dus he think im gna get the money to tke her places like bowling, and more to the point how dus he thnk im gna get her there, cz atm i dnt even dare tke her on public transport.

I jst wana be happy and have some time for me.

It's not selfish at all Saucy! Your situation is so hard and because your so used to putting everyone before yourself, when suddenly you relise you are finding it hard then ur mind tells u tht ur selfish and its not true! (Yes i stole that from...Sam...i think) Dealing with ur siister all on yr own sound so hard and i no i couldnt cope. Not for a second. You are so brave and strong and you and Dannie and Paige are my role models! In my opinion ur parents are out of order. I think they should be the ones caring for ur sis and not you but i geuss thts kinda obvious. Have u tried talking to them about it? I no sometimes when u talk bout stuff liek that it feels like admitting tht u cant cope which makes the fact more real but it's okay not to be able to on ur own and its okay to admit that. It's sommet i find rely hard for myself and i dont know - maybe you dont feel like that but if u do its so hard to escape from that feeling.

Hiding is so easy. It makes everything seem less real and it means that nobody else nows ur pain and if ur like me thts how u want stuff to be. But the more you hide the more ur gunna hurt inside. I'm learnin tht the hard way and tb - even if somebody had told me that hiding was silly coz ur only gunna hurt urself - i wouldnt have changed. I wont change i dont think.

But what im trying to say amongst all my babbling is that i think you need to talk to ur parents about how you feel regarding ur sisiter and i think u also need to talk to an adult u trust or maybe a social worker or counsellor or sommet about your emotional well being. I dont mean ur sick or anything its just that sometimes it can eb rely helpfull telling somebody how you feel who can give u proper good advice. I hope yuor okaii. Some days are worse than others. Hopefully it will get better - how stupid do i sound..? I dont no much about any of thsi tbh and im failing at trying to support you but errr, i just want you to know that i think your an amzing girl who is strong and brave and everything i wanna be xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hey

*Big tight massive ever lasting cuddly hugs*

I love you so much, and my love for you is so much stronger than your hate for yourself therefore my love takes over and that means you have to  listen to the people around you cause we love you so much.  

Okay I think I have a rather sensible question for you; You said you cant cope with work so why are you trying for another job, And your still at college Saucy that's an awful lot! I know all this can be a distraction but soon you will need a distraction from your distraction. Your going to wear yourself away and il have no Saucy left and il just be like lonely lol. Okay got something to show you that was in an email from "You will go forwards, then backwards, then forwards again and you might even fall flat on your face from time to time but that's how recovery goes."  That is totally true, If recovery was easy then noone would need to recover everyone would be grand, But its not its hard its a journey and one that will have ups and downs and it feels like its mostly downs but you will learn from them you can do it, We all can do it, You just need to believe in yourself and start listening to your own advice! 

Do you feel like you can talk to your tutor? Maybe they could help you through the tough times?

 What is the perfect carer Saucie .. Is there one? You can only do your best and that's what your doing!  Your sister doesn't deserve anyone else use deserve each other use are sisters of course your going hate her sometime's .... and its okay to get help for caring can you tell your mum how you feeling - I think I already know the answer to that one, but I thought id ask anyway lol.

You need to start listening to your feelings, feelings are deadly important they make us realise what we need if you feel sad its going to affect you in other ways cause your feelings are so strong and important!

Your dad probably doesn't understand what its like looking after your sister cause he's not there every day! I wouldn't take what he said seriously or even bother worrying about it cause there's nothing you can do about it, Your doing all you can do and i'm sure everyone appreciates it but they just don't show it sometimes. 

Its obvious you don't like how your sister is acting or changing and that's understandable but i'm sure she doesn't mean to annoy you or make you cross she might not understand what is and what isn't acceptable and sometimes drama queens don't get the stage all the time and that came make her worse if you know what I mean - and if you do good cause I don't know what I mean lol. Could someone talk to her .... Would your mum do it?

You deserve time to yourself Saucie and that's why I think looking for another job is a bad idea cause your not going to get time for yourself and that's what you want .. And I know the money is good cause that equals clothes lol but I still think your more important than that!

 I love you Please take care

*Me and you are/were online at the same time tonight lol * 

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Heyah,

Firstly, I wanna say im sorry i didnt reply quicker, as you no alots been going on recently. 

Saucieee  you are NOT selfish at all. Everybody feels like this at one point or another. And being a carer, does make everything seem soo much worse.

Have you tried getting her to the doctors for her pmt. Im sure they will help .  Hav you spoken to her about why shes being so rude etc? Maybe she is hiding somethig?

Saucieeee CHILL, you need a break now and again hun, if not your just going to over do it. And then you wil explode, and thats not nice.

Talk to someone hun, they will help if you show them you need it.

Okay Saucie, I really do like your joke there Woooow your octopus. If you was that would be soooooooooo coool Try talking to your mum?

 How you feel is really important chick. This is why you need to talk to someone about it I no im a BIG hipprocrite, But it really does help

Heyy, dont feel bad, everyone needs to let it out sometimes. You cant do everything hun, if you could youd be super woman. 

Okay that bottom sentence, is so true, You need YOU time where you dont have to worry about everyone else hun. You You You. Thats what you need. 

Anyways Hun, Biggg Hugs

Remember we always here

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